Tuesday, October 23, 2012

One of Those Days

Well, Today.
Today is just one of those days where I question everything about my life, and the world around me.
It's the sort of day where I sit in my room listening to "I Can Tell that We are Gonna Be Friends" by the White Stripes and Bon Iver on repeat.
One of those days.
But I might as well use these feelings to create something.
So I present to you a brand new blog post!
Time for a story?
Well, not really a story. (sorry for just shattering your dreams)
But I want to talk about thoughts and life and stuff that isn't really brought up as often as I think it should.
As a junior in high school, I have little experience with real life. I don't know what it's like to live on my own, pay my own bills, or hold a career. I've only had little experiences with it.
What I do know is what it feels like to not know where you're going in life, or how it feels to be lost and confused, unable to make a decision.
I've delved into many different interests. I play instruments, I draw, I read, I play video games, I take AP Physics... But I still don't know where I'm going in life.
I used to be dead set on being an Astrophysicist, but recently, I've begun to have doubts. How can I choose just one thing and stick with that the rest of my life?
I love astronomy, and I love physics. But I always feel this need to express myself and create things I had never done before. Am I able to do that when I have to be in school until I'm 30? Will I have the time to delve into other interests?
Recently, I've been constantly thinking these things and it's making me question everything that I am.
Does my life have direction? Am I using every second I can to the best extent that I am able?
I know that all teenagers have these thoughts, everyone goes through what I am. Yet I feel so isolated. 
What is it about high school that makes me feel so lonely, I wonder.
And today, I finally realized, it's not that I feel lonely but unsuccessful. 
I spend so much of my time reading blogs and watching fashion YouTube videos that I start to think that it's common for many people to have that much of a prominence in society.
When thinking about this further, I started to come to a conclusion. We are so often exposed to the media. Millions follow celebrities, knowing so much about them, idolizing them. Are they really greater than the rest of us? Most of the time, it's not personality but looks that puts them into that position. And these looks are achieved through unnatural ways. So in reality there's nothing that makes them more superior to us, we just think they're better. We want to be like them.
But today I decided I no longer want to be like someone, no, I want to be myself.

As cliché as that is, it is honestly the truth. I'm sick of altering my interests and thoughts to appear like someone else. I just want to be the best me that I can be.
"So tell me, how can you do that? It's impossible!" Is what you're most likely thinking.
But I am telling you right now that it is not impossible. I know that I'm not going to eradicate myself of imperfections, or low self esteem, or just wanting to plain fit in sometimes. But it's the fact that I'm willing to accept that is what will let me be who I want to be and who I am. So what do I want to be?
Not a clue. 
What I do know is that if I use my time to create, and to think, and to be happy I can accomplish something and make my opinions known.
My name is Megan Fox and I am just that.


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